National Men’s Day

 

It’s November 19th, which means it’s National Men’s Day. I wanted to write about men today because I feel like they get attacked too often and aren’t given the credit they deserve. We hear the term “toxic masculinity” thrown around a lot. While I do think there is such thing as toxic masculinity, I don’t think my definition is the same that, that term is used for. I would in fact say toxic masculinity isn’t true masculinity at all. The term is thrown around for any man who happens to have any form of masculinity or even if he happens to be a conservative politically or a Christian. This is not toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity in my opinion would be to misuse and abuse their power as being men. If you have a husband, boyfriend, coworker, or boss who is being abusive, gaslighting, using their power as a man to overpower anyone (not just women), that would be toxic masculinity to me. Again, I wouldn’t even call that masculine at that point, because a true masculine man won’t abuse or misuse his power, but rather he’ll use his power to encourage, build up, and guide as a great leader does with humility.

I remember watching a video a while back how Aragorn from “Lord of the Rings” destroys toxic masculinity. He does this by not prancing around trying to show off that he’s an alpha male or a great leader. He showed he’s a true masculine male, by showing humility, and he’s not ashamed to show/express his feelings even if others see him. When you watch the scene, for example, when Boromir is dying, Aragorn is with him and he expresses a brotherly love for Boromir. Aragorn even kisses Boromir, and he’s not afraid of “will anyone see and think I’m less than a man?” Aragorn couldn’t care less if anyone saw him! He has enough self-awareness of who he is and confidence to not be afraid of what other people think of him if he expresses emotions. He never abuses his leadership role either, he uses it to encourage people and to protect them. Aragorn is an excellent example of what men are supposed to be like.

Toxic masculinity is telling men the only emotions they’re allowed to express are lust and anger. Anything else they need to just bury or they’re not men. They can’t talk about their feelings, they can’t talk about what causes them to not sleep at night or to turn to drinking, they have to just stuff it all down and work hard in their career. This is why I think suicide rates tend to be higher in men than in women. Women are allowed to express their emotions, while if men express they’re hurt, they’re scrutinized for it. Men should be able to open up without the fear of being scrutinized for having emotions, pain, etc. If a man trusted me enough to come to me and cry in front of me, I would not think of him as less than a man, but rather the opposite. Knowing how difficult it is for them to do that, I would feel absolutely honored and privileged to be trusted enough to do that with. Men get mocked if they try to go to therapy, or open up about struggles they’ve had emotionally. I see this happen and it breaks my heart. They hear terms like “man up” and I hate that term. A strong man to me is like Aragorn, able to freely be himself, humble, and express his emotions without the fear of how others will view him.

Women have not been good about this either, because us women have been taught to be with a man who’s basically a stoic. No emotions, works to make a lot of money to provide, and that’s about it. Women have then added shallow stuff like “at least 6’ and is either super fit or has a dad bod (that’s in apparently) and has a certain size *ehm*.” Seriously, those things shouldn’t matter. While it’s important for a man to provide for his family, the amount of money shouldn’t matter. He should be able to have a job where he is also pursuing his dreams (realistically of course). If he can pursue his dreams and also provide for his family (and you know, ladies you can always help out too with that), I think you’ll find a much happier man that way. As for being a stoic, I don’t think we want that. Yes, we want a man who can be strong for us, but also, part of him being strong is having a safe place he can be weak at too. You don’t want the place he can feel weak at being the bar. There needs to be teamwork, and while the man leads, he needs to be able to feel safe to have his moments where he can be weak, and still accepted as a man. By weak I don’t mean lashing out in anger and then becoming abusive. By weak I mean he is safe to come to you with tears in his eyes from whatever is stressing him out, and not be told “what are you a little girl? Grow a pair and be a man!” Instead he is comforted and can relax with you. Sometimes, us women need to be the strong ones for the men, and that’s not a bad thing. We are supposed to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We need to be able to be strong for one another, but also feel safe enough to be vulnerable and weak with each other.

Men have had to put up with so much, they are often times abused themselves, and don’t feel like they can say anything about it because they’re afraid either being called less than a man or falsely accused of things. If for example a woman is assaulted and comes out about it, she often may hear things like “were you wearing anything that invited that kind of treatment?” Similarly, if a guy comes out and says he’s being abused, he may get comments like “were you doing anything to cause that?” Or they’ll just flat out make fun of him. So men stay silent, like many women do.

The way men have been treated is disgraceful, as if they’re only this angry, money making, sex-addict machines. They’re not though, they’re so much more than being angry, lustful, or being just a bank. Men have hearts just like women do, and they get hurt and broken just like ours do. They’re also more than just bread winners, they have their own struggles and strengths. There are men out there who make excellent husbands and fathers. Men who have incredible minds and great wisdom. Men who have not just physical strength, but inner strength as well. Men who are gentle, not just rough around the edges. Men who have the ability to heal others and build them up into a greatness they didn’t know existed in them. Men who are great leaders, full of wisdom and humility. Men who don’t just focus on the body, but they care about the heart and soul. Men who are actually able to admit when they’ve done wrong, and then will make changes to not do it again. These sorts of men are out there, they’re rare, but they exist. I want us to be able to show/teach men they can be like this, and they do have a safe place to be themselves, not just strong, but weak and vulnerable too. Ladies, let’s also do better to be able to give them those safe spaces too! To the men out there, you are seen and heard, and appreciated 😊

In Christ,

Abi ❤️